and then it happened

One day you let go of my hand and off you went.
You didn't even look back to make sure I was still there.
I could hear you giggle.
I could feel how independent and proud you were at yourself in that very moment.

How did this happen, I thought to myself. Just the other day I was nursing you at 3 am for what seemed like hours praying that night would be the night that you would sleep for at least two hours in a row. Yet, here we are, a little over a year and what a dramatic difference time has made.

A part of me is happy and is welcoming the change. From the day you were born the pediatrician told me that you wanted absolutely nothing to do with being a baby and that you hated it so very much. I suppose that's why you cried a lot, all the time, for months. Every visit your doctor would take you in her arms and rock you. I thought it was sweet of her and thought she must really like you, but looking back at it now, I think she was doing it more for mommy, because I so needed the break. Those early months were really hard, really really hard.

I just remember each visit your doctor saying, "I promise you, this one is going to be very smart and she is already an adult in her mind". She never used the word colic to describe what was going on, but she insisted that it was your reaction to being a baby. She used the words "hated being a baby" often to describe what was going on with you. In that moment, I didn't really understand what she was saying, perhaps due to sleep deprivation. As I look back now, she was right. You hated being a baby. You hated to be swaddled. You hated being confined to your car seat even in the car. You hated sleep sacks where you couldn't see your feet. You only stopped crying when you found your own voice and started "talking" when you were about four months old.

Fast forward to now. We are at the zoo and you don't want me to hold you. You want nothing to do with your stroller. You want to walk by yourself to each exhibit to talk to the animals.

How did you get so big.
That part makes me sad.
Does that make me selfish?
I finally get what people mean when they say, enjoy it because they grow up so fast.
You did right before my eyes and it did happen so fast.